The Hat Trick Nobody Wants

"But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down but not destroyed. We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body. For we who are alive are always being given over to death for Jesus' sake, so that his life may be revealed in our mortal body. So then, death is at work in us, but life is at work in you." 2 Corinthians 4:7-12

Today I pulled the hat trick nobody wants. Today, I had my third miscarriage. Well. I haven't officially "had" it yet, but I was told that I was no longer pregnant. I only found out Saturday that I had what is known in the infertility world as a "BFP" (big fat positive) and I was so elated! I have not been taking any fertility medicine and I was just so happy that it appeared yet again I was able to get pregnant without the help of drugs. 

So I spent 48 hours being rather happy. We told ourselves that this time, it was really going to happen. I vowed that I was not going to worry about every little thing for this pregnancy, that I was going to trust in the Lord, and not lean on my own understanding. 

I was even experiencing pregnancy symptoms on Saturday and Sunday--nausea and fatigue. Sweet! But by yesterday, the symptoms had already begun to subside and I began to have this sinking feeling that after today's blood test I would be informed that my HCG levels (sorry for all the medical jargon) had dropped and the pregnancy was no longer progressing.......

Which is exactly what happened. 

On Sunday during church, I was praising the Lord for all the trials that He had put me through. I was seeing how it has truly drawn me closer to Him. Which is one of the reasons God puts these trials in your life. I told the Lord that I would understand if this pregnancy didn't work out because perhaps it just means that the Lord wants to draw me even closer to Him. 

I have given up trying to a certain extent to figure out why things like this happen. 

I have taken to meditating on Scripture and dwelling on pleasant thoughts rather than wondering, "why, why, why?" (that doesn't mean I am not wondering from a biological level why this keeps happening to my body. I am totally wondering that. I just mean from a "life" perspective). 

I want you to know that even though I am trying to dwell on whatever is true, noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable, excellent, and praise worthy, I am still not doing fine and dandy. I am really sad. In fact, when I read the verses that I started this post with and thought, "what? perplexed but not in despair? I am pretty sure I am in despair right now!!!" 

But then my lovely bible commentary directed me over to 2 Corinthians 1:5-7. Paul reminds the Corinthians that, "For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows. If we are distressed, it is for your comfort and salvation; if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which produces in you patient endurance of the same sufferings we suffer. And our hope for you is firm, because we know that just as you share in our sufferings, so also you share in our comfort."

Since we are united with Christ, we thereby join Him in His sufferings, but we also join Him in His comfort. Isn't that wonderful? That although we are destined to suffer in this life, we also receive great comfort from the cross? 

I have hope and comfort right now, for my hope "is built on nothing less than Jesus Christ and His righteousness. On Christ this solid rock I stand. ALL other ground is sinking sand."