How Are You?

Well, it has been over a month since my last post....so that's lame. It feels like I have been going non-stop with work and family life and I am finally able to come up for air. 

I wanted to share the amazing things that God did in my little life in the days and weeks after my third miscarriage. 

First, I felt very loved by my friends and family. You were all incredibly caring and encouraging and I got a lot of "how are you?s" It was wonderful to be cared for like that. 

More importantly, God cared for me. I had always heard of people talk about a peace that they would feel when they were going through a difficult trial. I wondered how they did it--they always said that the peace didn't come from them, that it came from the Lord. 

The Lord blessed me with a peace that surpasses all understanding--that's how I know it is from Him! I still cannot comprehend how peaceful I feel about it all. I can actually LAUGH about it. Like that lady in the Proverbs...you know, the one who laughs at her future? I never thought I would get to a place where I could laugh about all of this. 

I was having dinner with a friend recently. She has had 7 miscarriages. Or maybe it was 5? I don't know. The point is, it was A LOT. I asked her how she got through it all and her response was, "well, I guess I just thought that hanging on a cross was so much worse." 

I've been marinating on that statement for awhile now, and I hope you do too. 

My friend explained to me that she just learned to accept what the Lord had planned for her life--if this is what He had planned for her to do, then she would do it. 

Don't get me wrong. Accepting all of this and running with it is the hardest part. But it is only hard if you do it without God. 

“Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.  For My yoke is easy and My burden is light.” Matthew 11:28-30

The Hat Trick Nobody Wants

"But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down but not destroyed. We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body. For we who are alive are always being given over to death for Jesus' sake, so that his life may be revealed in our mortal body. So then, death is at work in us, but life is at work in you." 2 Corinthians 4:7-12

Today I pulled the hat trick nobody wants. Today, I had my third miscarriage. Well. I haven't officially "had" it yet, but I was told that I was no longer pregnant. I only found out Saturday that I had what is known in the infertility world as a "BFP" (big fat positive) and I was so elated! I have not been taking any fertility medicine and I was just so happy that it appeared yet again I was able to get pregnant without the help of drugs. 

So I spent 48 hours being rather happy. We told ourselves that this time, it was really going to happen. I vowed that I was not going to worry about every little thing for this pregnancy, that I was going to trust in the Lord, and not lean on my own understanding. 

I was even experiencing pregnancy symptoms on Saturday and Sunday--nausea and fatigue. Sweet! But by yesterday, the symptoms had already begun to subside and I began to have this sinking feeling that after today's blood test I would be informed that my HCG levels (sorry for all the medical jargon) had dropped and the pregnancy was no longer progressing.......

Which is exactly what happened. 

On Sunday during church, I was praising the Lord for all the trials that He had put me through. I was seeing how it has truly drawn me closer to Him. Which is one of the reasons God puts these trials in your life. I told the Lord that I would understand if this pregnancy didn't work out because perhaps it just means that the Lord wants to draw me even closer to Him. 

I have given up trying to a certain extent to figure out why things like this happen. 

I have taken to meditating on Scripture and dwelling on pleasant thoughts rather than wondering, "why, why, why?" (that doesn't mean I am not wondering from a biological level why this keeps happening to my body. I am totally wondering that. I just mean from a "life" perspective). 

I want you to know that even though I am trying to dwell on whatever is true, noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable, excellent, and praise worthy, I am still not doing fine and dandy. I am really sad. In fact, when I read the verses that I started this post with and thought, "what? perplexed but not in despair? I am pretty sure I am in despair right now!!!" 

But then my lovely bible commentary directed me over to 2 Corinthians 1:5-7. Paul reminds the Corinthians that, "For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows. If we are distressed, it is for your comfort and salvation; if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which produces in you patient endurance of the same sufferings we suffer. And our hope for you is firm, because we know that just as you share in our sufferings, so also you share in our comfort."

Since we are united with Christ, we thereby join Him in His sufferings, but we also join Him in His comfort. Isn't that wonderful? That although we are destined to suffer in this life, we also receive great comfort from the cross? 

I have hope and comfort right now, for my hope "is built on nothing less than Jesus Christ and His righteousness. On Christ this solid rock I stand. ALL other ground is sinking sand." 

Rejoice With Joy!

I am really enjoying a devotional I found called, "Voices From the Past." It is a collection of Puritan writers. I wanted to share today's reading, because I thought it was great!

"As Christians, we should not enjoy just an ordinary level of cheerfulness; we should go way beyond those of the world both in quality and quantity. Our happiness should be sweeter, higher, and more constant than any carnal man. Consider the transcendent objects of our thoughts above all men. Consider your justification and sanctification through Christ. Do not even let a part of a day pass without such wonderful contemplation. Your soul deserves to have her breakfasts, lunches, dinners, snacks, and desserts as well as your body. Your precious time will glide swiftly and easily away, like a boat with the full wind and tide. All of your days can be holidays. There is no envy of Felix's happiness, Festus' festivity and Dives' bounty. Our life, as we enjoy spiritual blessings, is a kingly life. Yes, but does it not strip us of our joy when we stumble before our God? Certainly those who daily keep watch will not run their ship against any dangerous rock. If they do, it will not lay there long. Your faith will set you to work, weeping bitterly before the Lord to find peace of conscience. As for ordinary sins, your faith will seek daily pardon and washing, with even greater effort than a Pharisee in washing his hands. Each day we take the red lines of Christ's cross over the black lines of God's debt book. And if God looks upon the handwriting against us, He sees the bill canceled with the precious blood of his Son. Such blood is all-sufficient to cover, nullify, abolish, and wholly take away our sins in such a way that He neither sees, will see, nor can see them as sins and debts against us. Though we cannot enter into the joys of heaven while yet on earth, we certainly do rejoice in gospel joys now. It is enough now for us to secretly enjoy all of the colours of the gospel. They are beloved above all other joys and states."

                                                                                                          Samuel Ward, Sermons, pp 27-30

So I am Complete in Christ....Now what?

I know. I know. I wrote that last blog post at the beginning of January and here it is February 1 and I haven't written another thing. Horribly lame way to start a blog. 

I hope none of you read my previous post thinking that once I had the epiphany that I was complete in Christ my life became sublime. It didn't.


It is so easy to write a blog post about realizing that you are complete in Christ. Do you know what is harder? Living like you are complete in Christ.

Even though I knew I was complete in Christ, life was and is still a struggle. I had also forgotten that the Bible doesn't say "if" trials come upon you, it says, "when" trials come upon you.

After listening to a sermon by Ben Miller, I was reminded that our lives are going to be filled with struggles and trials. The Lord puts these struggles and trials in our lives to bring us closer to Him and to glorify Himself.

It is easy to spend a lot of time trying to figure out the reason the Lord has placed a certain struggle in your life.

I spent lots of time wondering why I was having such a hard time having a third child. Was it something I had done in my past? Was God judging me? Why did we wait so long to have kids? We shouldn't have waited so long. Why do I keep having miscarriages? Why, why, why, why.......

Eventually the Lord changed my heart and made me realize that reflecting on the past and wondering about this or that doesn't really help address the present. It certainly does not change the present either. And you may never figure out why God is working your life out in a certain way.

The Lord doesn't want us to meditate on these unknowns.
  
"Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. What you have learned and received and heard and seen in me—practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you." Philippians 4:8

The next time you catch yourself jumping into Alice's rabbit hole of self-reflection and pity, remember what God wants you to reflect on: true, honorable, just, pure, lovely, commendable, excellent, praise-worthy things.

Complete In Christ

One night many months ago, I woke up suddenly. After becoming a mom, waking up in the middle of the night is not such a unique thing for me. This time was different.

When I woke up, the only thought entering my brain was, "I AM COMPLETE IN CHRIST!" It was repeating in my head, over and over--much like a hamster running on a wheel.

Despite my puzzled wondering of why I woke up in the middle of the night with this thought, I was so thankful to wake up with this epiphany, "I AM COMPLETE IN CHRIST!" While it is a basic tenet of Christianity, I think it is something that people easily forget when they get sucked into life. When they stop living intently.

I know I had forgotten it.

I had become consumed with the idea of having a third child. I would sit at our dinner table and look around at the empty seats, and I would think, "my family doesn't feel complete right now. Someone is missing." I really believed that our family was not finished. That there was supposed to be another someone sitting in one of those chairs.

I felt incomplete. I had blurred the lines of the godly desire of wanting more children with the nasty sin of discontentment and covetousness.

One of the hardest parts of battling with infertility are the boundaries of sin and self-deception. It is such a slippery slope. It's so easy to say, "but this is what God wants me to desire!" "Blessed is the man whose quiver is full! I want a full quiver!! Why can't I have it??!!!"

The problem is when one becomes consumed by the desire. And that is where I was. I had decided that a 3rd baby would make me feel complete in life.

And then one night, I woke up in the middle of the night and remembered, "I AM COMPLETE IN CHRIST!"

I realized that I didn't need a baby to feel complete. I realized that I was already complete.

Colossians 2:10: "and in Him you have been made complete, and He is the head over all rule and authority;"

Do you feel incomplete? Have you forgotten the promises of God? For me, it was thinking that I needed another child to feel complete. For you, it could be something completely different. A new car. Finding a spouse. Finding a job. More money. A vacation. Whatever. It can be anything. 

Don't believe the lie! If you have a relationship with Christ, you are COMPLETE!